(A few of) MY FAVORITE (GROUCHO) MARXISMS
There are many others of course, but these are my favorites.
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Groucho: You know what an auction is, eh?
Chico: I come from Italy on the Atlantic Auction.
Groucho: Well, let’s go ahead as if nothing happened.
(from Cocoanuts)
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Groucho (to his son): You’re a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.
(–Horsefeathers)
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Groucho: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Margaret Dumont: Why, he’s dead.
Groucho: I’ll bet he’s just using that as an excuse.
(Later….)
Groucho: Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
(—Duck Soup)
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Groucho: I took four years at Vassar.
(Some guy): Vassar! But that’s a girl’s college.
Groucho: I found that out the third year. I’d have been there yet but I went out for the swimming team.
(–Day at the Races.)
[*This one is now almost as politically incorrect as the Monty Python/Life of Brian gender conversation of Stan/Loretta. See below.]
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Thelma Todd: Why, I’ve never been so insulted in my life.
Groucho: Well, it’s early yet.
(ibid)
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Groucho: Say, where’d I see your face before?
Chico: Right where it is now.
(Go West)
Chico: (bargaining for a hat): Will you take a dollar for it?
Groucho: Well, I’ll take it, but I’m only making a buck on it.
(ibid)
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And my favorite Chico line…
Chico: My father was partners with Columbus.
Groucho: Well, what do you think of that, eh? Your father and Columbus were partners?
Chico: You bet.
Groucho: Columbus has been dead 400 years.
Chico: Well, they told me it was my father.
(–Monkey Business. The sad, hurt expression on Chico’s face when he realizes his family has lied to him is priceless.)
If I have missed your favorite, send it in and I’ll add it.
[Someday, when I’m feeling more ambitious, I’ll try to collect the best lines from that funniest of the Marx Brothers, Karlo. I’ll start with the “withering away of the state…”
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* If you are not familiar with this reference, watch the movie Life of Brian. Or just Google “Life of Bian Loretta”. The movie is arguably pretty sacrilegious, anti-Christian, and anti-Semitic, but inarguably funny. Here is some of the dialogue.
The leftist movement group (People’s Front of Judea) discusses:
Francis: …the unalienable right of every man…
Stan: Or woman.
Francis: Or woman,,, to rid himself…
Stan: Or herself.
Francis: Or herself. Agreed. Thank you, brother.
Stan: Or sister.
Francis: Thank you, brother. Or sister. Where was I?
Reg: I thought you’d finished.
Francis: Oh, did I? Right.
Reg: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man…
Stan: Or woman.
Reg: Why don’t you shut up about women, Stan; you’re putting us off.
Stan: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Francis: Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan: …I want to be one.
Reg: What?
Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on I want you all to call me Loretta.
g: What?
Stan: It’s my right as a man.
Judith (an actual woman): Why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Stan/Loretta: I want to have babies.
Reg: You want to have babies???!!!
Stan (also known as Loretta): It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But you can’t have babies.
Stan/Loretta: Don’t you oppress me.
Reg: Where’s the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Stan starts crying.
Mister Moleman and his Friends 