Mister Moleman and his Friends

(A few of) MY FAVORITE (GROUCHO) MARXISMS

There are many others of course, but these are my favorites.

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Groucho: You know what an auction is, eh?

Chico: I come from Italy on the Atlantic Auction.

Groucho: Well, let’s go ahead as if nothing happened.

(from Cocoanuts)

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Groucho (to his son): You’re a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

(–Horsefeathers)

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Groucho: Not that I care, but where is your husband?

Margaret Dumont: Why, he’s dead.

Groucho: I’ll bet he’s just using that as an excuse.

(Later….)

Groucho: Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

(—Duck Soup)

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Groucho: I took four years at Vassar.

(Some guy): Vassar! But that’s a girl’s college.

Groucho: I found that out the third year.  I’d have been there yet but I went out for the swimming team.

(–Day at the Races.)

[*This one is now almost as politically incorrect as the Monty Python/Life of Brian gender conversation of Stan/Loretta. See below.]

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Thelma Todd: Why, I’ve never been so insulted in my life.

Groucho: Well, it’s early yet.

(ibid)

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Groucho: Say, where’d I see your face before?

Chico: Right where it is now.

(Go West)

Chico: (bargaining for a hat): Will you take a dollar for it?

Groucho: Well, I’ll take it, but I’m only making a buck on it.

(ibid)

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And my favorite Chico line…

Chico: My father was partners with Columbus.

Groucho: Well, what do you think of that, eh? Your father and Columbus were partners?

Chico: You bet.

Groucho: Columbus has been dead 400 years.

Chico: Well, they told me it was my father.

(–Monkey Business.  The sad, hurt expression on Chico’s face when he realizes his family has lied to him is priceless.)

If I have missed your favorite, send it in and I’ll add it.

[Someday, when I’m feeling more ambitious, I’ll try to collect the best lines from that funniest of the Marx Brothers, Karlo. I’ll start with the “withering away of the state…”

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* If you are not familiar with this reference, watch the movie Life of Brian. Or just Google “Life of Brian Loretta”. The movie is arguably pretty sacrilegious, anti-Christian, and anti-Semitic, but inarguably funny. Here is some of the dialogue.

The leftist movement group (People’s Front of Judea) discusses:

Francis: …the unalienable right of every man…

Stan: Or woman.

Francis: Or woman,,, to rid himself…

Stan: Or herself.

Francis: Or herself. Agreed. Thank you, brother.

Stan: Or sister.

Francis: Thank you, brother. Or sister. Where was I?

Reg: I thought you’d finished.

Francis: Oh, did I? Right.

Reg: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man…

Stan: Or woman.

Reg: Why don’t you shut up about women, Stan; you’re putting us off.

Stan: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

Francis: Why are you always on about women, Stan?

Stan: …I want to be one.

Reg: What?

Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on I want you all to call me Loretta.

g: What?

Stan: It’s my right as a man.

Judith (an actual woman): Why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

Stan/Loretta: I want to have babies.

Reg: You want to have babies???!!!

Stan (also known as Loretta): It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.

Reg:  But you can’t have babies.

Stan/Loretta:  Don’t you oppress me.

Reg: Where’s the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?

Stan starts crying.